I’ve been focusing some of my recent Substacks on my values in hopes that you might better (or more consciously) connect with yours. Even in the short time I’ve been doing this, I’ve gained so much clarity from really nailing this down.
It hasn’t always been easy. Really honing in on those things I find the worthiest of my energy and focus has, at times, left me feeling vague, frustrated, and distracted.
But the other side of defining and understanding my values, for me, is complacency. And who has time for that?
Family ties
Not defining my values meant I said yes too often, disrespecting my own boundaries and taxing myself to the limit. Without understanding them, I had no structure for my work—or even my play. All was fair game, and I wound up wasting a lot of time.
So after a lot of inner-investigating, I opened up to you about my five top values, which I determined over six months of documenting weekly check-ins with myself.
Value-wise, we’ve already discussed connection, creativity, and faith. The next two are family (which we’ll discuss today), followed by career (coming soon).
My chosen family is made up of my wife, our two dogs and cat; my ex-wife (who remains one of my very favorite humans and is very much entrenched in my day-to-day); my best friend Erica; some relatively new, very close friends who live nearby; and a few “besties” who I don’t talk to all the time—but I’d do basically anything for them, and they know that.
My bio family (the family I was born into) currently consists of my mom, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and a few more distant relatives who I don’t speak with regularly, but they remain important in my present and my past. It’s a relatively small group of DNA-bonded people, made smaller when two of the people who helped raise me—my step-father and my grandmother—passed away within the past decade.
Connecting meaningfully
Prior to investigating my values, had you asked me if “family” would show up, I would have probably said no. That’s because, in the traditional sense, I’m definitely not a “family (wo)man.”
But week after week, it became apparent that the glue holding together my days was made up of long phone calls with Erica where we’d talk about everything from This Is Us to how to healthfully process anger; game nights with friends here in Rochester where we’d laugh until we cried; sleepy Sunday mornings with my wife and our animals where we’d all linger in the bed, untouched by the hassle of the day.
Though deeply entwined with my value of connection, family is uniquely situated. I can feel connected to nature, to art, and to myself, but family is this bubble around me that is always there—even on days when I don’t feel particularly connected. I don’t take that for granted. (Not anymore, anyway.)
Where the heart is
In a way, family is my home. And part of why it’s risen in importance of late and made its way onto my values list is because of how much synergy I feel in Rochester, the city we moved to last year.
In the old days, my greatest value might have been defined as the bustle of New York City, the untouchable energy that coursed through me for all the many years when I called Manhattan home. My relationship to NYC was almost frenzied; I let it define me and carry me through my twenties and thirties. It was like a lover I constantly clamored for, and though I am so grateful for all the time I spent with the city and all the energy the city gave back to me, I realize now that the thing that took its place is a different type of home—and it’s far more reachable.
Rochester became my stomping ground just as family became my touchstone. Without the city to break my fall, during difficult days, Erica stepped in. The late-night sirens were replaced by my animals having the zoomies. The 24/7 diner that served my favorite cake slice was nothing compared to the award-winning cuddling my wife delivered (we are lesbians, after all).
Making tough choices
And as is evidenced by my bio-family get-together last week at my mom’s house in Vermont, there are still blood relatives whose connection to me, though sometimes sporadic, is familiar and synergistic. I might even call these people my chosen family because I do not believe that blood is thicker than water, and I have indeed cut off family members who I felt were toxic. I want to have agency around the people who surround me. I choose them and they choose me.
So family is a value that I hold dear. Remembering and prioritizing that means I pry my phone from my hands (admittedly, I could do this more often!) when I want quality time with those who allow me to be me, no matter what.
It means I make space to connect with those I care about, even if I’m having a hectic week and don’t really have excess time.
It means I make choices partly based on what is in service of this value, allowing other less important things to drift away.
But don’t take it from me. As always, nobody really describes this as well as Elton John.
xo,
jazz
P.S. The new issue of VegNews is out and I have some very exciting (to me, anyway) articles, including an interview with The Korean Vegan, an advice column, and two very cool announcements for upcoming projects. Get it now!
love you and love this as always!
and may i offer a fun bonus way to say "inner-investigating" or two: inner-vestigating! or INvestigating. (capital N important.)
PS i just did a rochester-based podcast today! thought of you!
Lovely and insightful as always 💕