Be gracious, dammit

Thank ye kindly.

Dec 29, 2023

As we close out the year, I wanted to take a moment to talk about graciousness. Specifically — and this nuance is not something I read about very often, but please let me know if you have been inspired by any media around this issue — I’m talking about the importance of graciousness in the wake of making mistakes.

TLDR:

If you make a mistake, be gracious and kind as you take ownership of the error of your ways.

Does it sound a little like I’m venting? Maybe I am. But I’ve also definitely been the one who was ungracious in the wake of fucking up. We’ve all been there; we’re human, unfortunately.

I’m stupendously imperfect. I try really hard to openly and honestly look at situations that I make sticky … ones that — if it weren’t for my shenanigans — would operate smoothly. The existential (or historical) angst I carry with me (because, as mentioned, I’m unfortunately human) sometimes tries its darndest to take over the situation, but, thankfully, I usually can see when that’s happening and intercept. (Usually.)

A couple of weeks ago, while I was in the middle of producing a plethora of media-related things (see the P.S. below), someone who should have known better was a complete and total … not very nice person.

Hey, it happens, right? People project things all the time, and it’s our job as lifelong learners is to extend compassion to others who are being difficult, unkind, or unfair. Because “hurt people hurt people,” yada yada yada.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

And I did. I extended compassion. Mostly.

And then, truthfully, I let it go. I swear it.

Oh, and wouldn’t you know it: the show I was planning wound up being significantly better for it. After a lot of last-minute scrambling, it all worked out. Doesn’t it frequently go that way? So, yay … a win.

But … but but but …

The behavior of the person who lashed out in a cruel and random way stuck with me a bit, so much so that I’m writing this Substack in hopes that each of us imperfect humans (including me, duh) can take note.

Seriously, take note …

We are all just human beings. We all wake up, pee, squint our eyes at our messy reflection in the mirror (my morning hairstyle is epic, you guys), and then somehow stumble through our day. Then we do it again the next day.

Here’s a thing: Many of us have walked through trauma or just shitty times, and we made it through — though not unscarred. Remembering that allows us to extend grace to ourselves and to others.

Because we all mess up. That’s how we learn — that’s what many of our parents told us when we were growing up, right? Hopefully, as we evolve, we stop making the same mistakes. We intercept our own behavior. We change our neural pathways. We show up differently for ourselves and for others.

Sometimes, we mess up in real-time. We say or do something clumsily, or we lash out because we’re tired or hungry or scared or insert-the-blank.

Let’s pause at this point in the story, OK? Mid-mess-up …

Don’t make your bad mood someone else’s bad day …

… even if that person is someone you don’t know in person — the customer service representative, the person you’re emailing who you’ve never met in person, the person you see on TV or (ah-hem) hear on the radio. All of these people, just like you, wake up and pee. All of these people are trying their best … well, maybe they’re not, actually. But most people are *probably* trying their best, given their unique set of circumstances.

Graciousness. It’s important, especially mid-mistake. I know it’s uncomfortable and outside your comfort zone and makes you feel vulnerable, but … gah! DO IT ANYWAY.

Or, if the mid-mistake moment passes by, graciousness can still be extended retroactively.

It goes something like this: “Hey, I’m sorry. I was an asshole to you, and you didn’t deserve that.” Or: “I was thinking about our conversation before, and I realized I was unfair. I’m having a bad day, not that that’s any excuse. I’m sorry.”

Of course, avoiding the assholery in the first place would be preferred. Pausing before engaging is an important muscle to strengthen. It’s not always fun, but it is always a good idea. Always.

The person who did not extend graciousness to me was someone who felt they had power over me. Though in retrospect, I do still feel at least a little compassion for them, I also am well aware of how they misused their perceived power. And that rubs me the wrong way.

Now, listen: I’m not sitting around with smoke coming out of my ears about this (anymore), but I did feel it was valuable enough to write about here because being on this end of such a terrible interaction was a reminder to me (and to all of us) to pause before we are a dick to someone and show up with graciousness and humility when we slip up. This is especially true when we have some kind of power (real or perceived) over someone else.

Modeling humility and kindness is more necessary now than ever before.

xo,

jazz

P.S. Here are some of the shows I’ve hosted or co-hosted in the last few weeks:

Connections: Navigating personal growth in a transforming world

Connections: Your holiday recycling questions answered

Connections: Addressing higher rates of suicide among older men

Connections: How did Generation X help shape our world?

Connections: Can parents’ divorce help children thrive if they have the right tools?

Connections: Helping you turn your tech questions into clarity

Connections: How to end injustice everywhere with Dr. Melanie Joy

Connections: Here’s a fun audio postcard I made about a cool and quirky thrift store.