A Connection to My Values

And an invitation for you to explore your own

I wanted to focus a few of these Substacks on some values that I’ve been tapping into. My hope is that it might embolden you to think about your own value systems, if that calls to you—partly so that you can explore whether you are focusing enough energy on the values you already know you hold, and partly so that you can discover whether there are values you now have that you might not have consciously been aware of.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been working with a coach for nearly six months now—sadly for me, our allotted time together is coming to a close. One of the thousand-foot-high things we’ve been working on is critically assessing my values—the ones I choose, and the ones I guess choose me.

Over the course of my coaching, I completed weekly surveys with questions that all related back to values, fulfillment, reactionary energy, calmness, and introspection about what I’m learning.

After four months, my coach sent me a quantitative and qualitative summary of my findings. Using Brene Brown’s list of values as inspiration, I chose the top values that I lived by each week of those surveys.

Here are the top values I included, in order of how often I reported using them:

I want to talk a bit about that first one today. Connection.

In so many ways, this is at the core of my value system. It’s how I want to live every day. It’s how I want to show up for myself, my family, my colleagues, and anyone with whom I correspond.

If you think that “connection” as a value is obvious, since we must connect in order to basically do anything—from grocery shopping to corresponding with our co-workers on Zoom meetings—think of it like this: Yes, we can call most things a “connection,” but what would it look and feel like to have a deeper experience with connecting to others and ourselves?

By the way, there’s no specific answer to that question. It’s one I ask myself quite often, and my conclusion often shifts.

Here’s what “connection” looks like for me … today:

• I stayed in bed a little longer this morning to kiss and cuddle Birdie Dog. I didn’t have my phone in my hand and I was entirely focused on her. It was really sweet for both of us.

• During my lunch break, I played a quick round of Wingspan with Moore. Nothing makes her happier these days! I love connecting with her over a board game because it requires full presence, and I always feel we are connecting in a fun way when we’re playing.

• As for connecting with myself, I’ve been doing my best to pause before replying to things or engaging in impulsive behavior (there’s a new yellow suitcase on its way to me, so let’s just say I’m very imperfect at this but I am making amends to myself and doing my best to do better), and I’m practicing mindfulness every day—even if that takes the shape of just a five-minute guided meditation.

These are all fairly small examples, but I do think that connection can take deeper forms, especially when it’s consciously being used as a value.

As an example, I recently came to a realization that might seem obvious to some of you, but for me felt revelatory. Though I’ve long considered myself part hustler, part empath, part problem-solver, I’ve been mostly externally focused and therefore haven’t recognized the person who has been there all along, ready to have my back: that person is me. I realize I sound dorky, and I don’t really care. I’ve looked to other people, habits, and items to soothe me when I’ve needed soothing, but as it turns out, the freckleface in the mirror is pretty good at providing that soothing when the going gets rough. Other people already know this because I’ve been soothing them for decades, but I haven’t directed that back at me, until recently.

What changed? I think perhaps it was just a series of connecting to myself in small ways that built up my self-trust—allowing me the opportunity to (usually) healthfully assert and stick to my boundaries and giving me the chance to pause much more often. Honestly, the knowledge that I have my own back makes my days much easier to navigate, and (dare I say) makes life a bit lighter and more … fun?

In future Substacks, I’ll dig a little into my other top values and what they mean—such as creativity, faith (but not the God kind since I’m an atheist), family, and career. I’m hoping that by being forthright about my journey to discovering my values, and dissecting a bit about why they resonate with me, you might feel inclined to do the same for yourself.

Doing so might give you a refreshing look at what you’re prioritizing and why. It might make you feel more confident or secure about some of your personal and professional choices, or the realizations might result in you shifting some of your focuses. If you find yourself repeatedly serving others’ needs above your own, for example—but if career is one of your values—you might want to shift around how much energy you’re spending on the various compartments of your life.

Speaking more generally, this process has allowed me to get to know (and trust) myself a bit more. Honing in on what’s important to me has left me feeling like I have more agency in areas where I previously felt none.

That’s worth exploring.

xo,

Jasmin

P.S. Don’t miss this article I wrote for Yahoo Lifestyle all about how I made my home net-zero and how you can do the same, even if it’s baby step by baby step.

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