10 Specific Ways to Be Kinder to Yourself Starting Today
Self-care means nothing unless you actively practice it. Here's how to start.
Yesterday, I had the distinct pleasure of presenting a workshop on “How to Be Kinder” to the Kinder Beauty team. As you might recall, Kinder Beauty was my full-time job (I was the VP of Editorial) until very recently when I left to start my writing, editing, and podcasting business—but I stayed on with Kinder as a consultant.
Psst … listen to this article instead of reading it right here …
One of my favorite parts of working for Kinder Beauty was that the CEO, Andrew Bernstein, was always extremely supportive of me making creativity central to my work, which included trying a variety of creative projects and sticking with the ones that worked. I distinctly remember him telling me to make Kinder my playground.
That ethos carried on to my consultancy, where, in addition to helping to run the Kinder blog and produce the podcast, I am able to do a monthly workshop on various subjects relating mainly to self-care and time management.
I was a bit nervous going in, mostly because even though I’ve given probably a thousand workshops, I’ve never put together a slideshow presentation to present as part of my workshop. Thank goodness for Canva, which allows basically anybody to create a beautiful presentation (and no, I’m not being paid to say this).
How to Be Kinder: the Presentation
Let me start off by telling you about one of my favorite follow-up comments I received yesterday, following the workshop:
“After checking off a lot of things on the Self-Care Bingo, I realized I wasn’t doing ‘nothing,’ and that I just was being hard on myself.”
I find this to be such a fascinating response. So, this person realized that she wasn’t as terrible at self-care as she thought she was.
This kind of realization resonated so much with me. Sometimes I, too, rely on old scripts—the ones that tell me I’m not doing enough, or I’m not valuable enough, or I’m making stupid mistakes. Sometimes, when I hone in on what it is I am actually doing, I realize that I’m in a much better off position than I thought.
That is what the commenter above experienced, too. After many months and possibly even years of telling herself she wasn’t “good” at self-care, the Self-Care Bingo that was part of my workshop proved otherwise. Huzzah!
Sometimes, if we pause and honestly take inventory of our lives, we realize we take a lot for granted. Perhaps we’re taking for granted our friends or family, our animal companions, or even ourselves.
I also received this comment:
“I'm left with so many lingering thoughts across both personal and professional facets of my life, and this workshop sparked the importance of mindfully working to find and schedule that balance. Also, for me, this re-invigorated the importance of our mandatory self-care days and keeping ourselves accountable.”
What this participant was referring to was that Kinder Beauty mandates all employees to take a monthly wellness day, encouraging people to have some kind of accountability to ensure that self-growth and relaxation are indeed the ways that day off is being spent.
And though I took my wellness days when I was on staff, I admit to sort-of cheating just the tiniest bit. Oddly, I realize now that this required gaslighting myself a bit.
So—sure—I’d do something wellness-y during my day off, like take a bike ride or sleep in more than usual. But I think I wasn’t rising to the occasion the way I could have; what I was doing seem, in retrospect, to be half-measures.
But after doing the research for my workshop, I recommitted to having regular wellness-related activities and appointments throughout my month. For example, I found a salt room in Rochester that is inexpensive, and I’ve decided to check it out.
Here are some main takeaways (basically, the Cliff Notes version) of my workshop on being kinder to yourself:
Self-care means attending to one’s physical or mental health, generally without medical or other professional consultation.
Self-care results in benefits to your mind including reducing stress and anxiety and boosting your self-esteem, as well as benefits to your body and soul including improving your physical health and relationships.
I love this quote by Audre Lorde: “Self-care is not self-indulgence; it’s self-preservation.” So good!
Importantly, sometimes there’s a conflation between self-care and self-indulgence. Both are important, but self-care can more accurately be described as an understanding of our boundaries, priorities, and personal needs.
But, to reiterate, there’s nothing wrong with self-indulgence (i.e. having a well-deserved glass of wine at the end of a long day), and—as one attendee described—sometimes self-indulgence can indeed be self-care. I personally think that needs to co-exist with that deeper level of self-care, including the aforementioned boundary-setting.
If we focus on kindness, both the internally focused kind and the externally focused kind, we can take what late poet Mary Oliver referred to as our “one wild and precious life” and attach a profound meaning to it.
Some examples of kindness to ourselves include: saying no when we don’t have the time or interest in doing something; cutting out our negative self-talk (which is indeed possible by regularly intervening with ourselves); asking for help; practicing mindfulness non-judgementally; letting go of things outside our control (like others’ moods); getting outside every day; making regular doctor appointments; making time for hobbies and then doing them; keeping a clean living space.
Being kind to ourselves partly means allowing others to be kind to us and being kind to others can have a tremendous impact on our own fulfillment.
Based on those takeaways, below are some specific action items for anyone who wants to step up their self-care and be kinder.
10 ways to practice real self-care, starting today
If you’re sitting on making some doctor’s appointments, make them this week (even if they are months out).
When you say negative things to yourself, such as mumbling “I’m so stupid” when you make a mistake, take a moment to consciously notice what you’re saying. Then, close your eyes and take a breath. If you want, picture yourself as a child. Would you want someone to call her stupid? You can then say out loud the opposite of the insult you just uttered. This might look like, “I’m not stupid. I’m actually very smart. But I’m feeling overwhelmed right now so I made a mistake. It’s understandable. I’m going to slow down and ask for help.” Tweak that in a way that is relevant to your situation.
Since self-care is largely about setting and keeping boundaries, what might be a place where you can improve this? It might be at work, such as not taking on your colleague’s overflow when you don’t have time to. You might say something like, “I’m actually behind myself this week, John, so I need to say no on this one. But if you want to run it by me before submitting it to the boss, I’m happy to be a sounding board.” Another example (relating to someone’s personal boundaries) might be, “Honey, Mommy needs to take a walk around the block by herself. It helps me empty my brain so that when we spend time together, I can have more energy. While I’m gone, why don’t you make a list of three things you want to do together when I get back, and we can choose one thing from the list?” Hone in on the area of boundary-setting that needs a little work, and take one step forward in making that happen.
Make a list of your hobbies and decide to do one thing this week. If you’re struggling to come up with things to put on your list, ask your 10-year-old self what hobbies she had. Mine were coloring, writing poems, and performing.
Spend 10-15 minutes a day everyday cleaning and/or tidying your home, especially rooms you spend most of your time in. I like to put on showtunes while tidying; feel free to choose your favorite music to accompany you.
Find an accountability buddy. I text my best friend Erica every day after listening to my daily mindfulness lesson taught by Tara Brach. Right now, I’m listening to Mindfulness for Anxiety and Sleep (which costs about $20). Every morning when I’m getting dressed, I listen to the daily lesson and then discuss it with Erica, who is also taking the same course.
Take stretch breaks throughout your day, especially if you sit at the computer a lot. I’ve started doing this recently and it feels completely amazing. I also do eye stretches, both the ones where I scrunch my face in weird ways and also by looking at an object 20 feet away for 30 seconds, especially after I’ve been staring at a screen for hours.
Make sure you’re taking care of your mental health. If you’ve been thinking about finding a therapist or a coach, this might be a good time to look into it. There are plenty of online programs you can use, and therapy can be very useful for some people. (For me, after many years of therapy, coaching is more healing at this point in my life.)
Nurture the relationships in your life that bring you the most joy. Sometimes I calendar in calling a friend I haven’t spoken with in a while because I know if I don’t prioritize and plan it, I might get too wrapped up in work. I also have text threads with different groups of friends that I find very fulfilling.
Check in with your body by moving it and/or noticing where you hold your stress. I tend to hold mine in my throat, which I only recently realized after maybe 100 times of checking in with my body. Knowing that I hold it in my throat allows me the opportunity to relax my throat muscles when I’m getting tense about something.
I know that self-care has become a bit of a buzzword, and its real meaning has been at least somewhat watered down by hashtag-happy culture—but when you really think about what it means to be kinder to yourself, you might realize where there is room for improvement.
Invest in yourself today so that tomorrow—or next month or next year—when you need the inner strength, you will have been training your mind and you will be ready to conquer the more difficult moments that inevitably come up from time to time.
xo,
jazz
P.S. If you’re in Rochester, please come to this workshop I’m giving with Mariann on Saturday. We’ll be chatting about veganism, among other things, and there will be plant-based chili and cornbread! I’ll also be signing books. Hope to see you there!
Excellent tips! Thank you, and now I am going to take a stretch break and tidy my desk:-)
Thanks especially for the tip on cleaning the home a bit everyday. The state of my flat gets me down and I hope that will help alleviate that feeling!